BEST OF ROBERT MUGABE

1. Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana, is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father.

2. Dear ladies, If your boyfriend didn't wish you a happy mother's day or sing sweet mother for you, you should stop breastfeeding him.

3. "Stupidity is when u lick a woman with ur bare tongue and later sex her with a condom .What are u preventing?? Catarrh or headache"?

4. Dear sisters, don't be deceived by a man who text you "I miss you" only when it's raining, because you are not an umbrella.

5. Swimming pool is more useful than Liverpool.

6. If over 15 guys have sucked your breasts, you don't need to call those things "your breasts", It's called COW BELL, OUR MILK! - Repeat after me, OUR MILK!

7. It's hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.

8. All I hear always is, 'No sex before marriage?' If that was God's plan, then you would receive your penis or vagina on your wedding day.

9."At the age of 18, you are using Gennicure 4 4 2, La Vet & other Virgin creams to make it tight, my sister at the age of 25 i think you would have to use safety pins and super glue.

10. Men sucking lady's breast is normal because the act was learnt in childhood when they were young but the act of lady's sucking men's d*ck is what baffles me, where did they learn it from?

11. Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes along and gives you a 'girlfriend'.

12. When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don't take a goat as a friend.

13. If you have attended over 100 weddings in your life and still single, you are not different from a Canopy.

14. Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw adidas lines on your face.

15. If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don't walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty.

16. Respect pregnant women because it's not easy walking around with evidence that you've had sex.

17. Some of the girls of today can't even jog for 5 minutes but they expect a guy to last in bed with you for 2 hours? Your level of selfishness demands a one week crusade.

18. I stopped trusting ladies when my class 3 girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener wid a mirror.

19. Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a "broke" man who's extremely good in bed.

20. Witchcraft is when a 24 year old girl who cannot jog for 5 minutes expects a 40 year old man to last for 1 hour in bed.

21. Being dumped by a dark-skinned girl is the worst thing ever; because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.

22. Women with beauty and no brains, it is your private parts will suffer the most.

23. When one's goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour's soup gets suspicious.

24. Its better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn't drill.

25. Even Satan wasn't gay, he approached naked Eve instead of naked Adam. Say no to same-sex marriage.

26. If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform.

27. It is every man's dream to remove a woman's pant one day but NOT when it's on a drying line.

28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!".

29. Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow.

30. We are living in a generation where people “in love” are free to touch each others’ private parts but cannot touch each others’ phones because they’re private.”

31. Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.

32. If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first.

33. South Africans will kick down a statue of a dead white man but won’t even attempt to slap a live one. Yet they can stone to death a black man simply because he’s a foreigner.

34. What is the problem? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors.

35. Mr Bush, Mr. Blair and now Mr Brown's sense of human rights precludes our people's right to their God-given resources, which in their view must be controlled by their kith and kin. I am termed dictator because I have rejected this supremacist view and frustrated the neo-colonialists.

36. Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

37. A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to flatulate.

38. Journalist: Sir don't you think 89 years would be a great time to retire as a President.
Mugabe: Have you ever asked the Queen this question or is it just for African leaders?.

39. Interviewer: Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?
Robert: Where are they going?.

40. My dear ladies, please don't buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself don't shaving big.

41. "Neighbors will always say they saw the girl you brought home last night..... but they will never see the thief who stole at your place even during the day!".

42: My friend when your crush finally texts you and say "Hi how are you?" Do not waste time just reply "I'm single and you?" I repeat do not waste time.

43: Neymar's transfer must teach us something. No matter how much your woman loves you, if she meets someone who has money more than you, forget it brother she will go like Neymar.

44: Dear single people: be careful,I love you nowadays means "open your legs girl" or "open your wallet boy",so be careful my friends...

45: Your WhatsApp status says ''In a meeting'' for the past 6 months.My friend Are you planning to sell Africa or how to dry the Indian ocean?

46: A prostitute asked a doctor to make* *another hole near her ass. The doctor was surprised and asked why? She answered, business is going well, I want to open another branch.

47: If You Write F*ck Instead of Fuck, Jesus Still Knows And will judge you.

48: Always dress good whenever you go out, you never know, you might come across that your primary school classmate you lied to that your father is a rich man.

49: Have You Noticed That Most Girls from Rich Families are Shapeless.

50: The Guy who breaks virginity and separates with the girl is just like BARMEN they open the beers for others to enjoy.

61: So you expect your boyfriend to be rich in his 20s , while your father is still broke in his 60's,my sister what you are smoking is not good for you.

62: Being Broke Ends at 25 .After 25, you're no longer Broke. You're Poor

63:A woman entered the shop naked and stole something and ran away but no one saw her face.

64:Girls who are busy complaining that when men have sex or impregnate them they run away. My question is:- when u score a goal do u remain at the goal post or run celebrating wildly.

65: Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!.

" "Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tyres.

*. Racism Will never end as long we still wash first white clothes, then other colours later.

*. Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and WHITE for peace!.

*. Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to the funerals.

*.Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not White listed. Even when playing the pool (snooker), you haven't won until you sink the black ball,and the white ball must remain on the field.

BUT I don't CARE,SO LONG AS MY TOILET SIT IS WHITE AND I'M STILL USING THE WHITE TOILET PAPER TO CLEAN MY BLACK ASS."

Robert Mugabe

FACT ABOUT ROBERT MUGABE .

* Born 21feb 1924(93years).

* His father was a carpenter while the mum thought in Catechism schools.

* From the Southwest of Zimbabwe.

* Full Names Robert Gabriel Mugabe.

* Nickname as "Uncle Bob".

* Imprisoned for 11years.

* have Seven degrees (two while in prison).

* Most Educated African President.

* Once a teacher for years